HOW DARE THEY!

I needn't remark that I'm a swell, and all that And being a swell, of course I've taken a flat Now all my neighbours declare I'm stuck up They pass rude remarks and they call me a pup How dare they! I say, how dare they? You can take it from me, It's a great liberty How dare they! What's that? Why, pups live in kennels, not in a flat. Just because I keep a slavey, oh dear Who looks after me when the wife isn't near? Brings up my coffee each morning in bed My pals wink and, by Jove, the things that they've said How dare they! I say, how dare they! Say that I cast a slur On the girls character How dare they! What's that? Why, she was ninety years old when she came to my flat. I am respected by high and by low Most of the low are too high, don't you know Tradesmen keep sending their bills into me The laundress declares I owe her one and three How dare she! I say, how dare she! Say that I've often marched Off with linen she's starched How dare she! What's that? Why, I've not had a shirt washed for years, the old rat. I always go first class when I go by rail I don't take a ticket, that's a detail And when in the carriage I'm having a snooze The porters wake me, and rude language they use How dare they! I say, how dare they! Pull me out by my feet When I'm under the seat How dare they! What's that? Oh, I pass off as dirt on the London and Chat. I had a blow out today, bye the bye Two puffs, an air pudding and half a wind pie But as I left the cafe, to my great surprise I was followed by thousands and thousands of flies How dare they? I say, how dare they? Followed me from the place, Buzzing all round my face How dare they! What's that? They can smell the polony (partly cooked sausage) I hid in my hat. Last year when I went to France for my health My neighbours all envied me having such wealth So for spite they sent false reports round to my clubs To say I was doing time in Wormwood Scrubs How dare they? I say, how dare they? Tell my friends at the clubs I was in Wormwood Scrubs How dare they! What's that? It's a lie. It was Holloway where I was at.

Written and performed by Tom Woottwell (1864-1941)

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