How I Mesmerise 'Em - Charles Gardener

HOW I MESMERISE 'EM

To learn the art of mesmerism, many years I've tried, I vow
Now at last I've been rewarded, yes, I know the secret now
I tried it first on my old woman, just to have a bit of fun
And I fairly mesmerised her - this is how the trick was done.

Chorus: First I tickle her under the chin
That seemed to make her smile
Then I gave her a dig in the ribs
(she was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over her face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this (shows clenched fist)
And she went right off to sleep.

Now just because we owe our Landlord simply two or three years rent
To our house last Monday morn a six-foot broker's man he sent
Oh, I fairly got the needle, when the chap I gazed upon
And I thought I'd mesmerise him, so I put the 'fluence' on.

Chorus: First I tickle him under the chin
That seemed to make him smile
Then I gave him a dig in the ribs
(he was laughing all the while)
I waved my hands all over his face
Did a gentle creep
Then I gave a tap on the jaw with this
And he went right off to sleep.

There's nothing in our house worth nailing, still a burglar came one night
And when my wife awoke and told me I turned pale with rage - or fright
I was up and dressed in no time, down the stairs and on his track
I just got down in time to see him put our wash-tub on his back

It's very seldom I get tid'led, but oh, I did last Friday night
With my old pal Billy Tomkins at closing time - we were all right
'Monte Carlo' he kept shouting, in a loud discordant tone
Just then standing 'neath a lamp-post, we found a p'liceman on his own.

Spoken - I said, 'Tomkins, did you ever see anybody mesmerise a policeman?' 'No' said he. 'Well' said I, 'You see me paralyze this one!'

Written and composed by H. Castling - 1893

Performed by Charles Gardener (1883-1962)