A lot of things we perpetrate are very nice, no doubt
Until we're, by some blunder, unexpectedly found out
For instance, take the fellow who at ball or garden fete
Retires to the conservatory to have a tete-a-tete, with Kate.

Chorus: For if, by chance, you enter, you hear a mild report (kiss)
You'll say, 'I beg your pardon' (or something of the sort)
And presently you see them - her pretty face a-glow
His coat one mass of powder, Hulloa! Hulloa! Hulloa!

A friend of mine took to himself a wife some time ago
He was commercial traveller with Somebody & Co
When first they had to part, her flow of tears she could not stem
But how she smiled when he returned and breathed, 'My only gem.'

Chorus: She took his hat and ulster, and hung them on the rack
Then got his coat and slippers and helped him to unpack
But suddenly extracted from his portmanteau
A dainty pink silk - bootlace - Hulloa! Hulloa! Hulloa!

It is a dainty little maid of whom I now would tell
Her mother's cottage quaintly lies amid a flowery dell
Sweet butter cups and daisies were her pretty soul's delight
She regularly went to bed at half-past eight each night.
Quite right

Chorus: But yesterday I saw her - a perfect ladidah
Careering down New Bond Street in her Victoria
Rigged out in silk and satin with diamonds a-glow
And toying with a cheque-book - Hulloa! Hulloa! Hulloa!

Whenever at a big hotel down by the sea I stay
I like to watch the couples who arrive from day to day
Invariably I scan the book to see what they put down
And I can clearly recollect a Mr and Mrs Brown.

Chorus: They made a point of squabbling in public, it appears
To give one the impression that they'd been spliced for years
At breakfast, though, next morning I heard her ask him 'Joe,
Do you take milk and sugar?' - Hulloa! Hulloa! Hulloa!

And often at a picnic you will find a youthful 'He'
Bestowing great attention on a fascinating 'She'
He'll pick her all the dainty bits from out the pigeon-pie
And when the picnic's overcome they'll steal off on the sly.
Bye bye.

Chorus: When time comes for returning, you'll search for them in vain
You'll shout out, 'Harry! Connie! Look sharp! we'll miss our train'
At last you see them coming, complacently and slow
Her hat looks rather rocky - Hulloa! Hulloa! Hulloa!
Written and composed by G. Rollit & George Le Brunn - 1899
Performed by Marie Lloyd (1870-1922)
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