One morn, on pleasure, I was bound,
For Bloater-on-the-Sea;
The train went rather early, just
A bit too soon for me.
Although the barrier was closed I climbed it like a toff,
And reached a carriage just in time,
To hear the guard shout, 'Off!'

Chorus: And I couldn't get in! I couldn't get in!
I tried my level best a seat to find;
But each carriage there was full,
And the guard said, like a bull,
'If you want to go you'll have to run behind!'

While by the sea I thought I'd like,
To dabble in the foam,
So, something after four, one morn,
I started from my home.
I tried to get in each machine,
But all my plans were blocked;
I couldn't have my 'annual',
For all the doors were locked.

Chorus: And I couldn't get in! I couldn't get in!
I did a fruitless ramble round the sands;
Each machine there was engaged,
So I had to stand enraged,
On the shore and watch the ladies wash their hands.

I waited, I'm game to swear,
An hour with aching heart;
When, hip-hooray, from his machine
I saw a man depart.
I rushed inside, slipped off my clothes,
Swam half an hour or more;
But when I thought that I'd go back,
To my machine, oh, Lor!

Chorus: I couldn't get in! I couldn't get in!
Someone had sneaked my trousers for a lark;
It made me sweat and rave,
Then in the sand I dug a grave,
And I had to hide until the night was dark.

While at the seaside, I'd a wire,
From home informing me,
That my sweet Clemantina had
Presented me with three!
I couldn't go back home just then,
But when a month had sped,
I hurried back but when I thought
I'd like to go to bed,

Chorus: And I couldn't get in! I couldn't get in!
I'd never had such luxuries before;
But as I wanted sleep,
I rolled up in a heap,
And I had to have my sleep upon the floor.
Written and composed by J.P. Harrington
Performed by Charles Bignell (1866-1935)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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