Now if ever a man, in this world, was unlucky,
You back me for all you are worth.
From the first day I squalled, by my ma I was called,
The unluckiest kid upon Earth.
I've had every complaint and they tell me I ain't,
Very long in this world, going to last;
And when I came of age, pa said, like a sage,
'Go and wash off the sins of your past!'

Chorus: And I did it to change my luck,
As I thought it would change my luck.
I got the old wash-basin down on the hearth,
In a pint of hot water, I had a good bath.
When I upset the basin, the land-lord came up
And I said as he started to ruck,
'It's the first bath I've had now for over nine years,
And I thought it might change my luck!'

On a railway line once I laid down in the hope
I would go to my kingdom divine;
When I woke the next day I found, to my dismay,
That I'd laid myself on the wrong line.
But I wouldn't be 'done' so I purchased a gun,
Of my life I meant making a wreck;
I fired under my chin, and the bullet went in,
And came out at the back of my neck.

Chorus: And I did it to change my luck,
'Cos I thought it might change luck.
I went into a field where a bullock was mad,
And before I'd been there long a rare time I had.
I gave him a lick with the end of my stick,
And he started to kick and to buck;
When he gave me one there, I went up in the air,
And I thought it might change my luck!

On the night I was born, 'stead of giving me milk
They fed me upon gin and four-ale,
And I fell out of bed and I punctured my head,
And they found me next day in a pail.
I've been run over twice, I've been wrapped up in ice,
I've been roasted alive very near.
My mamma often said how she wished I was dead;
Once she said, "Go and drown yourself, dear!"

Chorus: And I tried it to change my luck, yes,
I thought it might change my luck.
I jumped over a bridge in a fit of despair,
But, alas! to my sorrow, no water was there.
From the end of my toes to the rip of my nose
For a week in the mud I was stuck,
And I lived upon mud for four days and a half,
'Cos I thought it might change my luck!

I jumped in a road off a five-storey house,
To make short of life's troubles, somehow;
I was dead, so to speak, but in less than a week
I was just as well as I am now.
When a lucky idea seemed to strike me up here,
All my grief to the breezes I flung;
Thinks I, "I'll get a wife and then I'll take her life,
And it's twenty to one I'll get hung."

Chorus: And I did it to change iny luck,
I made sure it would change my luck.
By the hair of her head I threw her on the floor,
Then I gave her a punch and a kick in the jaw;
And when I was tried, the judge got up and cried,
"For ill-using this poor little duck,
You'll have two years' hard labour, and when you come out,
No doubt it will change your luck!"

Three months in the East end, three months in the West,
Three months I have lived in the South,
And two-thirds of the time, 'tis a fact, not a crime,
I have not had a meal in my mouth.
But the very last week I had naught, so to speak,
Barring one little basin of broth;
So I made up my mind a new lodging I'd find,
And determined to live in the North.

Chorus: So I went there to change my luck,
Yes, entirely to change my luck.
Thinks I, "Off to Liverpool I must get there!"
But I hadn't a 'bob' towards paying my fare;
So in spite of all rows with the bulls and the cows,
I went down in an old cattle-truck;
It was hardly as nice as the Tuppenny Tube,
But I thought it might change my luck.

Written and composed by Joseph Tabrar - 1903
Performed by R.W. Bentley
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ