T.W. Barrett
I'm a simple young man and Jones is my name,
I came up to town to visit aunt Jane;
Who keeps a small school for sweet, little girls,
All daughters of Marquises, Dukeses and Earls.
But how very bad the people are here,
They really quite shock me and fill me with fear;
Whenever I'm near them, they always cry,
Ain't he a josser, ain't he a guy?

Spoken... I hadn't been in London more than five minutes, before I was knocked down by an omnibus, kissed by a girl and locked up by a policeman...

Chorus: Oh! I don't like London, No!
Because the girls they are so teasing,
Oh! I don't like London, No!
The girls they wink their eye and say they're dry,
Oh! I don't like London, No!
Because the folks they are not pleasing,
Oh! I don't like London, No!
Oh! I don't like London.

Next day when I left my aunt, you must know,
I went for a stroll down Bishopsgate, oh!
But there I am sure, I'll not go again,
Or down that nice street called Petticoat Lane.
A man and his wife, poor me there they sold,
A watch for five shillings and said it was gold!
But that was a plant, they're both cheats and brutes,
They stole all my clothes and wanted my boots.

Spoken... And said, Ah my tear! Ah my tear, it is a beautiful vatch! It is all cold! All cold my tear! I bought it, put it in my pocket, in two minutes, 'twas gone...


I went home and told all this to my aunt,
And what she then called me, to tell you I can't;
I know that she said that I was a big fool,
Must go home at once, so was sent back to school.
But, oh dear! oh lor! I had such a fright,
When I went to bed in aunt's house that night;
I shivered, I shook, I felt so afraid,
I screamed till I brought up aunt and the maid...

Spoken... I thought there was burglars breaking in, instead of which it was a gentleman sweeping the chimney...


Written and composed by T.S. Lonsdale & W.C. Eaton - 1885
Performed by T.W. Barrett (1851-1935)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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