When I chucked up my job as a butcher one day
I decided to go on the stage
And the Pro's that I met were all open to bet
That I'd quickly become all the rage
But another chap said, 'If you want to succeed
And earn fifty a week of the 'best'
Swank all over the show and behave like a Pro.'
So I'm learning to do like the rest.

Chorus: I can beat any Yank when it comes down to swank
And I'm getting to know every wheeze
I stroll into the bar and say, 'Boys, here we are
Help yourself to the biscuits and cheese.'
I'm the limit in cheek, from my lodgings last week
I ran off and my bill didn't pay
And I haven't been sober for just on a year
I get more like a Pro every day.

I'm a good looking chap tho' I say it myself
And I've broken a good many hearts
For wherever I go they all guess I'm a Pro
And I'm simply 'thumb's up' with the tarts
But you must play the game when you're one of the boys
Tho' of course it don't last very long
And I've no doubt some day like the girl in the play
I'll be taking the turning that's wrong.

Chorus: But I don't care a damn, I'm a devil I am
And I'm getting extravagant too
Player's Weights I've cut dead
I smoke Woodbines instead
And I use my cigar ends to chew
With my thirty-bob suits, and my ten and six boots
'Where's your motor car?' folk used to say
So I've just bought a Ford that I couldn't afford
I get more like a Pro every day.

I'd the 'bums' in the house for the rent yesterday
And believ me they did carry on
For they started to swear 'cos the cupboard was bare
And the poor little doggies got none
So they made me go off to the Court right away
They were just like a couple of spies
And I got quite a shock as I stood in the dock
Oh, they did tell some horrible lies.

Chorus: But I didn't once budge, till the silly old judge
Said, 'Young man, you've been going the pace
And you've now got to pay, have you nothing to say?'
I said, 'What won the three o' clock race?'
In the News Of The World all my past was unfurled
But the game I'll continue to play
And I'm going to divorce my old woman next week
I get more like a Pro every day.

Written and composed by Will Wise & Jas. B. Bennett.
Performed by Harry Weldon (1881-1930)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ