If there ever lived a woman who detests extravagance
It's my old girl, that I'm prepared to swear
She'd skin a flint and spoil the knife while doing it in fact
You couldn't find her equal anywhere
She'll scarcely let me breathe for fear that I'll wear out my lungs
And though she says that eating makes me stout
There's one thing I must say for her, that is, when Sunday comes
She always lest me have a good blow out.

Chorus: But I'll have to make it last me all the week
Last Sunady we'd a rabbit stew with rice
The steam was absolutely something grand
I had three helpings of it, 'twas so nice
Then she gave me one potato, and one pea, all to myself
Of the pudding half a currant and two plums
Then as soon as I had finished, she said,
'Now then say your grace,
You'll do very nicely till next Sunday comes.'

I never have my haircut now, she says it costs too much
So she's got a dodge which fair gives me the jumps
She dips my head in water, lets my hair all freeze and then
Gets the copper stick and knocks it off in lumps
A little while ago she had three tickets for the Zoo
So she took me and out youngest Little Fred
And , thinking very likely I should want something to eat
She handed me two monkey nuts and said,

Chorus: 'Now you'll have to make those last you all the day
If you want any more don't come to me
So I'd one for lunch, for dinner had the shell
And was going to have the other one for tea
When I dropped it, then young Fred, he picked it up
And said 'Mamma, as I'm hungry I can eat it I suppose?'
She said, 'Eat it, t'isn't likley, you give that to your papa
It's only monkeys eat such nuts as those.'

Before I gave up single life, I'd saved just five and six
And one day my father said to me, 'My son
There's two things you can do, that's buy a gun and shoot yourself
Or get married.' Now I wish I'd bought the gun
On the day the fateful knot was tied as we came out of church
A man dressed all in black came up to me
Looked at me most intently, and then turning to my wife
He said, 'You've done the trick again, I see.'

Chorus: Now you'd better make him last you for a time
It makes the sixth you've had, and he's not strong
Look after him poor chap, for if you don't
He'll want his measure taken before long.
I looked at him, then whispered, 'Say, are you a friend of hers?'
Said he, 'Not quite a friend, let me explain
I'm her regular undertaker. I contract for all her work
And I came to see when she'll want me again.'
Written by Worton David, L. St John and Harry Boden.
Music by Bert Brantford - 1908
Performed by Harry Ford (1877-1955)
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