May I be permitted to dally a while
In the work of provoking your laughter
To deal with a matter of much more import
We'll continue the merriment after
So behind my back people besmirch my dear name
Their opinions on me they'll not dare force
My morals are clean, I don't drink, smoke or swear
And I haven't a friend in the Air Force
So when at a temperance lecture one day
The Speaker said, 'Do you drink?' What did I say?

Refrain: I said, 'No, no, no.' And I made a quick movement to go
He said, 'Come up here, sir, and sit on the stage
And drink up this whiskey.' I got in a rage
I said, 'Nay, nay, nay.' He said, 'I just want to display
The effect of strong drink on a man such as you
You'll be helping the cause, if you have one or two.'
Well, of course, when he put it from that point of view
I mean to say.

Returning one night to my bachelor rooms
Through the park on my way from the station
I'd been lecturing at our morality club
On the evils of loose osculation
I was wondering on the effects of my speech
On a flapper who glad-eyed me
I was wondering why she kept winking at me
When I heard her soft foot-fall beside me
'Twas the flapper, she said, 'Although I know it is late
Put your arm, dear, in mine and lets peregrinate.

Refrain: I said, 'No, no, no,' I said, Madam unhand me and go.'
She said, 'You're too proper, I hate your ideals
There's no harm in kissing, just see how it feels
I said, 'Nay, nay, nay,' She said, 'Don't be angry I pray.
If you gaze in my eyes and talk eloquently
We might find a subject on which we could agree.'
Well, of course, when she put it in that way to me
I mean to say.

My gladiatorial instinct is strong
I once entered a big competition
I jumped in the ring of the fighting saloon
In my usual perfect condition
My opponent looked at me, then winked at his friends
And started my beauty to murder
When all of a sudden a bomb dropped close by
In the ring fell a large piece of girder
My opponent looked at me with horrible leer
My second said something, quite close to my ear.

Refrain: I said, 'No, no, no,' he said, 'All's fair in war time, you know
If you don't finish him, well, he'll soon finish you
There's no need to tell yer, you know what to do.'
I said,'Nay, nay, nay,' but I felt myself fast giving way
I screamed, 'Here comes another,' The people all fled
My opponent said, 'Where,?' And he turned round his head
I picked up the girder and although my heart bled
I mean to say.

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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