I had such a row with a copper last night,
'Twas my fault I'm let to suppose,
He threatened to take me away to the station,
They say I punched him, right on the nose.
I ought to be punished for hitting that copper,
And causing that copper to come such a cropper,
For using my fist, well I must be a brute,
I ought to be shot for not using my boot.

Next door, where I live there's a young ladies hall,
The nicest girls, you ever saw.
Last night, on the quiet, to look at those girls,
I bored a big hole in the door.
I ought to be punished for looking and peeping,
And watching those ladies retiring and sleeping.
I've no right to look and to stop it, I've tried,
I ought to be kicked for not... going inside.

Last night I was broke so I went in a shop,
Oh, the thought of it makes me turn ill.
The shopman was out and nobody's around
So I stole sixpence out of the till.
I ought to be punished for stealing the tanner,
I ought to be kicked in no uncertain manner.
I felt such a meany for stealing sixpence, I did,
I ought to be shot for not stealing a quid.

I took my wife with me, once into a pub,
A stranger came into the bar.
He winked at my wife and he tickled her ribs,
He said, 'What a nice girl you are.'
I ought to be punished for not interfering,
While he made love to her, right in my hearing.
Fancy him standing there calling her , 'Dear.'
I ought to be kicked for not drinking his beer.

Performed by Tom Woottwell (1865-1941)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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