My girl and I once to blows nearly came
A twenty-one day clock we both tried to claim
I smacked her face then I called her a cat
She took me to court and three weeks after that

Chorus: I ran straight home with the news
I repeated the judge's own words
'Bring in that twenty-one day clock,' said he
'Bring in that twenty-one day clock to me.'
Upon Gertie's figure divine that wicked old judge fixed his gaze
Then he gave my blushing young lady the clock
And gave me the twenty one days.

I like to gossip, I do upon my word
Always repeat any secret I've heard
I'm known as nosy, the name suits me well
A secret last night I was bursting to tell.

Chorus: I ran straight home with the news but I couldn't hear myself speak
A friend of the family had come round to tea
A baby was howling like mad on her knee
I said, 'Haven't you got the means to keep that kid quiet, alack?'
She said, 'Yes, I've the means, but it isn't much use
Because my bodice hooks up at the back.'

Father and I one night faultlessly dressed
Went to a Music Hall up in the West
I won't forget it, not while I draw breath
That very night my Papa met his death.

Chorus: I ran straight home with the news. I told them how poor Papa died
I told 'em we watched a girl on a trapese
Swing upside down while she hung from her knees
Suddenly she tore her dress, and as my features started to blush
That lady asked someone to lend her a pin
And poor father got killed in the rush.

Written and composed by Fred Godfrey & Fred E. Cliffe - 1913
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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