When I was young this little bell my father gave to me,
"If ever you're in trouble, ring that little bell." said he;
Last night I met a lovely girl while strolling down the Strand,
She cried, "It's Uncle Georgie." and took me by the hand.

Chorus: And she squeezed my hand so tight, 'til a shop came into sight,
Where, of diamond rings they had a fine display.
Then she cried, "You dear old thing, I should love a little ring!"
So I rang my little bell and ran away.

I once was brought before the court, the charge, I now forget,
The prosecuting council made it warm for me, you bet;
Yes, things looked very black indeed, I thought it was a case,
The judge heard all the evidence, then with a solemn face,

Chorus: He turned round and glared at me, "It's an awful charge." said he,
"Something good in your defence you'll have to say."
"Something good," I answered, "Right" then I smiled and said, "Goodnight!"
And I rang my little bell and ran away.

I never shall forget the day I married my wife, May,
The guests all came to breakfast and to supper they did stay;
We played at every game we knew 'til past midnight or so,
Then my wife yawned and someone said, "I think it's time to go."

Chorus: Then the guests all said, "Goodbye." and I felt a trifle shy,
"Now, what shall we do now?" said my wife, May.
I said, "You do what you like." then I jumped on my bike,
And I rang my little bell and ran away.

I joined the territorial squad a year or two ago,
They sent me out as marker on the shooting range and so;
My little bell I took with me all danger to avert,
And as a charm I tied it to the tail-part of my shirt.

Chorus: Then the shats began to fly, straight at me, I don't know why,
They mistook me for the target, I should say;
For each time I turned round, to pick something off the ground,
Someone rang my little bell and ran away.

A keen inventive brain I've got, as you will plainly see,
I made a bath that runs on wheels, worked by machinery;
One day I showed it to a friend, I said, "All you've to do,
Is press that button and the bath wheels in the room to you."

Chorus: Then that button I did press, it was quite a big success,
In the room that bath did glide without delay;
I looked down at it with pride, till I saw my wife inside,
Then I rang my little bell and ran away.

When I was out in gay Paree I dined at some hotel,
The waitress was a saucy puss, that I could see quite well;
For every dish I ordered, when she brought it in to me,
She kissed me on the forehead and she sat down on my knee.

Chorus: When she brought the last course in, she touched me beneath the chin,
Then as on my chest her golden head she lay;
She said''Pomme de taire, oui,oui?" I said, "No, the wife's with me!"
And I rang my little bell and ran away.

I had a case in court last week, my neighbour summoned me,
Because my cat had had some kittens in his library;
My cat had had some kittens in his new silk hat he swore,
The judge he took it as a joke, with laughter he did roar.

Chorus: Then he turned and smiled at me, "Now you've heard the charge," said he,
"In defence, sir, of your cat what do you say?"
It's a lie," I cried, "that's flat, 'cos' it's not that type of cat
Then I rang my little bell and ran away.

A railway smash I once was in, it was an awful wreck,
When I awoke I found a carriage wheel laid on my neck;
Upon my forehead, I'd a lump kust like a turkey's egg,
But what alarmed me most, I had a pain in my right leg.

Chorus: So I rubbed that leg, I swear, for an hour I do declare,
'Til a lady said, "Excuse me, sir, I pray,
But that leg you're rubbing's mine!" I said, "Danger on the line."
Then I rang my little bell and ran away.

Written and composed by Worton David & Sam Mayo - 1911
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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