I'm courting now a lovely girl,
A most delight fill pel,
Her Pa and Ma are not aware,
Of my attachment yet;
And so each day I'm nervous,
In the midst of all my joy,
By the conduct of her brother Tom,
A most obnoxious boy.

Spoken - A most objectionable boy who constantly makes sudden and unexpected rushes into the room when I'm spooning with my darling. The other day I was imprinting a chaste salute on the rosy lips of my charmer, when the little wretch popped his head in at the door and then came dancing round us singing,

Chorus: I shall tell my Mama,
I shall tell my Ma,
I shall tell my Dada,
I shall tell my Da,
I'II tell you kissed my sister,
La, la, la, la, la,
If you dont give me a penny,
I shall go and tell my Ma,

My darling was so frightened
That she went into a swoon,
I jumped up in a rage
And chased the monkey from the room ,
I kissed and tried to calm her,
My bonny startled lass,
When at the window I descried,
Tom's nose against the glass.

Spoken - Yes, there was the little wretch with his nose flattened against the window pane and when I shook my fist at him, he laughed and sang,


I saw my darling had revived,
Then rushed out of the place,
And after Master Tommy had
A most exhausting chase;
Was close upon the rascal,
When I fell down with a thud,
My hat flew off, and all my clothes
Were caked with greasy mud.

Spoken - Oh, l was boiling with rage then, And as I lay with my nose in a mud pie the torturing little imp danced round me and sang,


I sat and gazed in horror,
At my mud bespattered clothes,
And a most dejected object,
From the dirty gutter rose;
Thinks I, I must capitulate,
Now is the time and hour,
For this objectionable boy,
Has got me in his power.

Spoken - So I called him to me and I said Tommy l am going to marry your sister. The coarse minded little wretch replied, I don't care who marries my sister. But Tommy I exclaimed, I don't wish your parents to know of it yet. So there's a penny for you and you shall have one every time I go to see your sister. Now although he has not mentioned the matter to his Pa and Ma, he annoys me as much as ever, for he daily puts his head in at the door and half whispers,

Chorus: I won't tell my Mama,
I won't tell my Ma,
I won't tell my Dada,
I won't tell my Da,
Go on, kiss my sister,
La, la, la, la, la,
You give me lots of pennies,
So I won't tell my Mama.

Written and composed by Arthur Lloyd - 1882
Performed by Arthur Lloyd (1840 - 1904)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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