I've got a pal, he's a perfect jay,
I made a call on my pal today;
When I say pal, well, I mean to say,
He's a fellow who lends me money;
His old woman said, 'My Bill's out,
He's been gone an hour or two';
I said, 'I must see Bill, today,
I don't quite know what to do,

Chorus: I think I shall stop here a little while.'
She took me inside the front room;
'My old man's a nuisance,' she said with a frown,
'He always sticks out when he gets up in town,
But still you shan't wait by yourself,
I'll stay in here with you and knit;'
I said as she kissed me and sat on my knee,
'I think I shall stop here a bit.'

One day at Margate my pal and me,
Both of us there on the strict Q.T.,
Strolling along by the briny sea,
We were gathering shells and pebbles.
All at once I espied some girls,
All "bobbing about in the foam;
My pal said, "Come on!" I said, "No!
If you're in a hurry, go home."

Chorus: "I think I shall stop here a little while,
Just lend me your glasses a tick;
Why, they're not all ladies, there's one man, I'll swear;
Who's that girl he's teaching to float over there?"
My pal took the glasses and looked,
With laughter he very near split;
Said he, "It's your wife and the lodger" I said,
"I think I shall stop here a bit."

One night I stayed out till after three,
When I got home I had lost my key,
Our house was under repairs, you see,
And the workmen had left a ladder.
As I passed the first floor I found
Two lovers were having a spoon;
Just then somebody cried, "Come down"
I said, "Yes, I'm coming down soon.

Chorus: "I think I shall stop here a little while,"
The ladder then dipped and I fell;
I fractured my napper, they took me away,
I woke in a hospital ward the next day.
Five doctors stood round my bedside,
My head felt as if it was split;
Both legs were in splints, so I said to the nurse,
"I think I shall stop here a bit."

I once received such a dreadful fright,
That is the reason I'm not quite right,
I had a dream that I went one night
To the famous British Museum.
I saw dozens of mummies there,
A copper, (who stood by my side,)
Said, "At twelve some of these chaps wake,"
"Well, that will he funny!" I cried.

Chorus: "I think I shall stop here a little while,
I've never seen mummies before;
At twelve o'clock one of 'em got off his bier,
And said, "Copper, how long have I been in here?"
The copper cried, "Ten thousand years.'"
The mummy said, "Doesn't time flit?
Have I only been here for ten thousand years?
I think I shall stop here a bit."

Written and composed by Frank Leo - 1901
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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