I've been married, that's a fact, upon my word,
To a girl, I'd never known, or seen, or spoken to, or heard.
Now, Mary Green's the darling's name, her father keeps a public,
And Mary first caught sight of me at this harmonic club-lic.
This morn she met me in the street and seized me by the chump-um
And dragged me off and married me at St. Methusalum-pum.

Chorus: For I was led like a lamb to the slaughter-house,
By Mary Green, whose father keeps a porter-house
At Saint Methusalem, oh Jerusalem!
The tragedy occurred this morning.

When the Parson said, 'Will you this woman splice?'
'Who the? what the? when the? why the? where?' I answered in a trice.
Mary said, 'Of course he will.'
And giddiest of friskers,
She said, 'We're one now, darling.' and
Then she bit off half my whiskers.
The folks threw rice (boiled) and paving stones,
I said, 'Don't chuck things, chuck it!'
And when my Mary showed her face
Our cab-horse kicked the bucket.


Wedding breakfast then we had, inside a pub
We had hard-boiled eggs and bread and cheese,
Washed down with rum and shrub.
I'd no cash to pay the cab,
And rather than act shabby
I took my undervest of and
Pawned that to pay the cabby.
Said Mary, when we both jumped out,
'How much cash have you got love?'
Said I, 'A penny, three farthings left to take
Us on our honey-pot, love.

Patter: Of course we had to go somwhere for the honey-pot, so I said, 'Let us wander in the church yard and read the tomb-stones and if folks ask where we spent the honeymoon, we can say Gravesend. Well, after we'd read all the funny remarks on the tomb-stones, we went and had tea at Lockhart's, two halfpenny mugs of cocoa and one halfpenny slice of bread and butter between us. I felt so full-up that I've had to come out and walk about to prevent getting indigestion. Mary has gone home to her father and I have been kindly offered a lovely bed for the night in the Casual Ward. But we are going to have a beautiful home, when they are giving them away, 'isn't my fault I got married.

Written and composed by E.W. Rogers
Performed by Austin Rudd (1868-1929)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ