Some folks keep rabbits and poutleree, how they do it I fail to see
I find it takes me all my time to keep a wife
But I was tempted to speculate, I bought some fowls one day
I took them home and dreamt about the eggs that those birds would lay
I coaxed them every morning, when at last some eggs we had
We found one out of three was good. The wife said, 'That's too bad.'

Chorus: I feed those chickens on indian corn
Have a chat with them every morn
The eggs they lay are so frightfully small
That when we are hungry they're no good at all
I wish I'd bought ducks.

I'm not particular what I eat - Lamb or mutton or beef or meat
I never grumble while I've got a joint to carve
But there are times when you're feeling queer and food you do not need
The wife and I have been arguing what we'll have for tomorrow's feed
We could not make our minds up till for half an hour we'd sat
We thought of this, we thought of that and then we thought of - that

Chorus: Then I suggested that fish we tried
'Let's have kippers.' the old girl cried
I bought kippers, the wife to please
Now somebody's sent us a peck of green peas
I wish I'd bought ducks.

They keep a beautiful dog next door, one day - what do you think I saw?
Their dog got in our yard and killed a fowl of mine
Though I'm inclined to be peaceful, and I never care for strife
I might have sued the man next door, I would but I like his wife
Thought I, 'Prevention is the thing,' so took those fowls with care
And placed them in the wash-house, thinking they'd be safe in there.

Chorus: I kept those fowls in the scullery
Things went well for a time, d'yer see
Till this morning I woke and found
The water-pipe burst and the chickens all drowned
I wish I'd bought ducks.

'Now, when you're married I wish you joy, first a baby and then a boy.'
That's what my pals all sang when I was first engaged
And come what may I shall ne'er forget that bright and happy morn
I took my Sunday clothes all out, yes, took 'em out of pawn
And when I felt rice down my back, and boots thrown at my head
It seemed to strike me all at once that she and I were wed.

Chorus: To live together in unity
Now I find that we can't agree
When I think of her monkey tricks
And the license I bought, which cost seven-and-six
I wish I'd bought ducks.
Written and composed by F. Leo
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
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