I am a peaceful and quiet sort of chap
All through my life I've never had a scrap
Until about a week or two ago
I chanced to be at the Sporting Club you know
One fellow there said he'd show me how to spar
I said, 'Alright but don't you go too far.'
We put gloves on and then I saw him wink
'What's he going to do next?' I began to think
He punched my nose and made it bleed
I quite enjoyed the game
Some fellow said, 'D'yer like it?'
I said, 'Yes, I'm glad I came.'

Refrain: I wonder what he's going to do next
He then broke my jaw for a change like
He made a sudden rush at me, I got a nasty poke
And an examination found that seven ribs he'd broke
Said he, 'I'm going to show you a useful plant
But mind now don't get vexed
Then he let out his right, I said (when he put out my light)
Now I wonder what he's going to do next.

Last night I lay and I couldn't go to sleep
I seemed to think I heard somebody creep
Round by my bedstead suddenly I saw
Some fellow standing near the bedroom door
I lay and watched him, to see what he would take
He didn't know your humble was awake
I was afraid he meant to take my life
Thank goodness he only chloroformed the wife
I shut my eyes because he shone his bull's-eye in my face
And thought, 'Well, what a funny chap' as he gazed round the place

Refrain: I wonder what he's going to do next
He then got the wife on his shoulder
He took her down the stairs and I followed in the rear
You bet your life he didn't know that anyone was near
He put her in a van that he'd got outside
While I stood quite perplexed
As he drove off with Lizzie, I thought 'hasn't he been busy!'
Now I wonder what he's going to do next.

We've got a hall in our vicinity
Built on top of a powder factory
Once to a concert given at this hall
There came a sailor who occupied a stall
He'd brought his parrot and they quite enjoyed the show
Nobody knew there was powder down below
On came a conjurer, did some clever things
Turned pocket handkerchiefs into diamond rings
He then produced a rabbit from a little baby's hood
The sailor to his parrot said, 'Well, that was very good.'

Refrain: The Jack Tar then lit his pipe up
The match went through the floor in the powder down below
The conjurer and the audience were blown to Jericho
The parrot flew away to a steeple top
And seemed somewhat perplexed
Then he cried, 'Well I never, that was very very clever
Now I wonder what he's going to do next.
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
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