Some folks have no quids who walk about this earth
Some folks have too many - don't know what they're worth
I'm one of those who've got no L.S.D
And I know a lot with the same complaint as me
Not to have a ha'p'ny does give me the spike
If I'd my likings, this is what I'd like,

Chorus: Pierpont Morgan for a butler
Drink champagne out of a pail
Beerbohm Tree to come and act for me
And Lipton's yacht to take me for a sail
Then I should like the Bank of England
The Lord Mayor's coach to drive me to the door
And Adelina Patti just to sing me off to sleep
Then I wouldn't grumble any more.

I sat down and thought what lots of things I'd do
If I just possessed a million quid or two
I'd have the best, although it cost a lot
If I had the oofish that I haven't got
What a lovely place I'd live in, you can bet
And for my servants, these are who I'd get

Chorus: The Prince of Wales to came and shave me
Carnegie to cut my corn
Marlb'ro' House, where I'd go shooting grouse
And Alexandra Palace for the lawn
Then I should like to have the ocean
Where I could go and fish from three 'til four
And Sousa's band to play to me while dining with my friends
Then I wouldn't grumble any more.

I've thought often what a nice change it would be
If this earth of ours just belonged to me
I'm not a selfish man, I'll make a bet
And I only want just as much as I can get
Some men are so greedy - they want such a lot
I wouldn't grumble if I'd only got,

Chorus: Buckingham Palace for a golf ground
The King to have a game with me
The House of Lords for my billiard room
The Hotel Cecil for a Libraree
Windsor Castle for my bedroom
With lovely golden carpets on the floor
And the Shah of Persia's hundred wives to tuck me up in bed
Then I wouldn't grumble any more.
Written and composed by Harry Bedford & Harry Castling - 1904
Performed by Harry Bedford (1873-1939)
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