A girl that I know, or I should say, I knew,
You must know that I don't know her now.
We both used to sit on one chair,
That's when the old man wasn't there.
Now I've always been rather shy with a she,
And one night, as she sat by my side,
She jumped up and started to turn down the gas;
Ans so I inadvertently cried,

Chorus: If you're doing that for me, you can stop,
For I know what girls are in the dark.
Just then the old man entered, I made a bow,
And jumped through the window to save any row.
I tried to climb over the wall,
But before I could get to the top,
The bulldog gripped me by the pants, so I said,
"If you're doing that for me, you can stop!"

One day, as I lay in the hay all so gay,
I was covered with hay, by the way,
An old chap came up, do you see?
Started tossing the hay near to me.
And there as I lay in the hay,silly jay!
Didn't see me, I s'pose, for the hay.
He stuck his pitch-fork in my never say die,
So I poked out my head, and cried, " Say!

Chorus: "If you're doing that for me, you can stop ! "
Then the old chap ran off for his life.
Two lovers then passed and took me for a seat;
They sat on my chest and began to talk sweet.
I noticed the girl was my wife ;
Thought I, "Here's a beautiful cop!"
As he kissed her all over the dial, I said,
"Hey ! If you're doing that for me, you can stop."

I've had a surprise that has opened my eyes;
I don't think I've had such a surprise.
You talk about being surprised!
Well, I've never had such a surprise.
I called on a lady this morning, and she
Said, "Oh, doctor! I've broken my arm."
She started to scream at the top of her voice,
So I said, "My dear madam, keep calm!

Chorus: "If you're doing that for me, you can stop;
Why, you're making a terrible noise.
"Said she, "Yes, but, doctor, my arm pains me so,
And whether it's broken I'm anxious to know."
She called for her maid to assist,
And unfastened her dress from the top.
I said, "I'm no doctor, I've called for the rent!—
So if you're doing that for me, you can stop."

I went home to tea yesterday, do you see,
About twenty past three to my tea.
The landlady's partial to me;
She'd cooked some rump steak for my tea.
I turned round a moment to pour out some tea,
When the cat had my steak on the floor.
She licked it and sniffed it and turned it about,
So I said, "Puss, you won't mind, I'm sure, But,

Chorus: "If you're doing that for me, you can stop!
You're a thief, pussy, you've got to die!"
I then filled a bucket and drowned that old cat,
And carefully laid "Moggy" out on the mat.
I spent half an hour on her grave,
And was digging away fit to drop,
When that cat put her head round the corner and said,
"If you're doing that for me, you can stop."

Written and composed by Frank Leo - 1902
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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