I'm sometimes hard of hearing, and my friends they have to shout
To make me understand their words, and what it's all about
A chap who borrows half-a-crown I met the other night
He asked me, would I take some wine? I answered, 'That's all right.'
Said I to him, 'I'm glad we've met,
You've never paid for drinks as yet.'

Refrain: 'I'm a little bit deaf today,
That is kind indeed of you
To ask me if I'll take some wine
I don't mind if I do
You didn't say you'd buy champagne?
Well, come, what did you say?
You only wanted a loan again!
I'm a little bit deaf today.'

Last Sunday afternoon I heard upstairs a frightful yell
Then shocking groans and awful moans most piteous to tell
I shouted to a constable, 'Come in a stop the strife.
I do believe the man upstairs is trying to kill his wife.'
We met the lodger coming down,
I said, 'We've caught you Mr Brown.'

Refrain: 'I'm a little bit deaf today
But I heard her dying shout
We've caught you fairly in the act
I'm glad I've found you out
What say? I've made a big mistake
For which I'll have to pay? -
Your wife was singing you to sleep -
I'm a little bit deaf today.'

That I'm a very bashful man you'll notice at a glance
And I received a dreadful shock just lately at a dance
For when it came to supper-time a lady said to me
'I think I've lost my garters' right before the company
Believe me, I felt quite ashamed,
And fairly blushed as I exclaimed,

Refrain: 'I'm a little bit deaf today
But don't speak out so loud
I can't discuss that question here
In front of all this crowd
I beg your pardon! my mistake?
Well, come, what did you say?
Eh? Pass you the tomatoes
I'm a little bit deaf today.'

While I was sitting all alone a knock came at the door
I saw a young man standing there I'd never seen before
I heard my missis speaking, and her language made me jump
I heard her saying, 'Call again, I rather like your chump.'
I shouted out, 'Here! wait a bit,
You've nearly given me a fit.'

Refrain: 'I'm a little bit deaf today
But is that your little game
I wouldn't have believed it - no!
Oh Martha! Fie for shame
You didn't say you liked his chump?
He's the butcher-boy, you say?
You wanted half a pound of rump -
I'm a little bit deaf today.'

I'm fond of buying fireworks at Pain's or Mister Brock's
And in my coat-tails t'other day I placed a guinea box
And as I neared my domicile, and put my pipe away
My next door neighbour shouted out, 'Hi, stop one moment pray
Your Towzer's on my daisies, sir'
Said I, 'Why all this dreadful stir?'

Refrain: 'I'm a little bit deaf today,
But you're in the wrong I'm sure
You know I haven't got a dog -
You try the folks next door
My Towzers's on your daisies, sir
Please speak louder - Eh?
My trousers are in blazes!
I'm a little bit deaf today.'
Written by Edgar Bateman - Composed by Fred W. Leigh - 1903
Performed by Edgar Curtis
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