I've got a song, such a beautiful song;
One of those songs that are not very long.
I wrote this song so I know it's all right,
And I'm engaged here to sing it tonight. But...

Chorus: I'm afraid to start a-singing it,
Not because there's anything in it;
If you don't laugh and think it's not funny,
I'm frightened you'll stop me from getting my money.

I am a champion rider of bikes,
Dodge all the tram-cars and run over 'tykes';
Though I was hard-up, you know what I mean,
To-day I brought home such a lovely machine. But...

Chorus: I'm afraid to ride that bicycle,
Though I'm cooler than an icicle,
I could ride it, but now that I've got it,
I'm frightened the fellow who lost it might spot it.

Some fellows boast of the girls they have got;
I have got one with a big beauty spot.
Oh ! what a beautiful female she is,
There's more than one man after 'Sleepy-eyed Liz'.

Chorus: I'm afraid to take her out with me
When it's light, to walk about with me;
I must wait till we get foggy weather,
I'm frightened her husband might catch us together.

I am a swimmer and swimmers can swim,
Swimming with women was never my whim.
Last year at Brighton a lot of girls cried,
Show us your swimming powers but I replied,

Chorus: I'm afraid to go out swimmin' there,
While there's all those saucy women there;
Though there's plenty of people to back me,
I'm frightened those ladies might want to attack me.

I've got a baby with such a big head!
Just like his father, so chubby and red.
My missus wants me to nurse him all night,
And cuddle him up, she says he'll be all right. But...

Chorus: I'm afraid to nurse that baby 0h!
Though she says it's good, it may be so;
If you want to know why I am frightened
I'm frightened it might want its food, or it mightn't.

Written and composed by Wincott & Leighton - 1904
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875 - 1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
home spaceA spaceB spaceC spaceD spaceE spaceF spaceG spaceH spaceI spaceJ spaceK spaceL spaceM spaceN spaceO spaceP spaceQ spaceR spaceS spaceT spaceU spaceV spaceW spaceX spaceY spaceZ