I'm going to sing a song to you this evening
I've been a lovely singer since my birth
When you hear my pretty notes a-ringing
You'll say I have the finest voice on earth
Before the King I once appeared
When I sang he loudly cheered.

Chorus: He sent for me, and said, 'You are a marvel
At singing you have really got the knack.'
Then from his tie he took a diamond scarf-pin
And smiled at me, and then he put it back.

Pat at carrying bricks worked like a negro
I've never seen a chap work so before
Said I to him, 'Why do you work so hard, Pat?
You seem to do the work of three or four.'
Said he, 'My boy, you've touched the spot
You think I'm working but I'm not.'

Chorus: Said he, 'While I keep running up this ladder
With bricks upon my head, the dodge is fine
The boss, the silly ass, he thinks I'm working
But I'm carrying up the same bricks all the time.'

The folks next door to us are fond of joking
They're always trying to play some joke on me
To summons them in Court was my intention
If I could get some evidence, you see
On our garden seat they placed a nail
My wife sat on it, and turned pale.

Chorus: She jumped about and shouted, 'Pull it out, dear'
But I said, 'Leave it there, that's simply great
I'll go and get a summons in the morning
We've something now to show the magistrate.

My Uncle brought a donkey home last Tuesday
And as a special favour said to me
That if I'd pay him half of what it cost him
That donkey I could share with him, you see
I must have been clean off my head
For when he got my oof he said,

Chorus: 'Of course you pay for all the food to keep him.'
I said, 'Your meaning I do not comprehend
As your half is the first half, you must keep him
He doesn't want no feeding at my end.'

Double Dimple daisy was a widow
And by her husband's grave one night she sat
They told her that if she waited there till midnight
Her husband would appear, the silly flat
But poor dear Daisy, I declare
Sat on a bunch of nettles there.

Chorus: And when those nettles her began a-tickling
To keep a solomn face she did contrive
At last she cried, 'Oh, Charlie, do give over
Your're just the same as when you were alive.'

Written and composed by Worton David & F.V. St. Clair - 1906
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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