I'm what they call a 'copper' though you can tell that by my clothes
But what you'll want to know is, what I'm doing here I s'pose
The fact is that the owner of this mansion's gone away
Before he left he came round to the p'lice station to say
He wanted a smart 'copper' to take up his quarters here
In case of burglary and - well, I think that's pretty clear.

Chorus: I'm here, if I'm wanted. If I'm wanted, I'm here
I've been here seven weeks, I've had a very tidy spell
I've not been wanted yet, I hope I shan't be, truth to tell
Of course, it's nice for me, but then it's nice for them
To know I'm here, if I'm wanted.

The wife writes, 'When will I be home?' a silly thing to say
I fear 'twill be a long time ere I tear myself away
Where duty calls I go, and this time duty's extra kind
If duty never calls me to a worse job, I shan't mind
The Guv'nor said, 'Our housemaid's rather frivolous, you see
She may need looking after.' I said, 'You leave that to me.'

Chorus: I'm here, if I'm wanted. If I'm wanted, I'm here
I've found the servants very nice, on me they're rather keen
The parlour maid is twenty and the housemaid's seventeen
I've not been used to girls much, but - well you know what I mean
I'm... well, I'm here, if I'm wanted.

I pride myself on coolness, I'm as cool as cool can be
The reason is that I was weaned on icicles, you see
I saved a man from drowning in the Thames the other day
They wrote me from the Royal Humane Society, to say
A medal for my bravery awaits me, will I call?
Well, I've no time to go, and - what's a medal, after all.

Chorus: I'm here, if I'm wanted. If I'm wanted, I'm here
The Queen than took the matter up, and said that, if I care
She'll pin the medal on me - but I've no time to go there
I've told her my address is, Seven, Little Liar Square
And - well, I'm here, if I'm wanted.

I once was a teetotaler, the thought now makes me wince
No beer for over thirty uears - I've made up for it since
I didn't take to drink till I was close on thirty-three
And then I didn't take to it, it seemed to take to me
I don't drink much, well, p'raps I take - well, it's hard to tell
But in a day I don't suppose I drink much more than - well -

Chorus: I'm here, if I'm wanted. If I'm wanted, I'm here
The girls here yesterday, or day before, I just forget
Had eighteen gallons in, and I've not sampled it as yet
They haven't really asked me, so I think I'd better let
Them know I'm here, if I'm wanted.
Written and composed by Frank Leo - 1908
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
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