You've often read of fighting men in hist'ry books, no doubt.
Not one of them's as good as me. I'm the chap to flop 'em out.
The kids come home from school today, told me their teacher said
William, the man that conquered, he so long ago were dead.
I went round to the school, you bet, as lively as could be,
And I asked the teacher, 'What do you mean to be saying that of me?'

Chorus: I'm the William the Conqueror,
I take 'em all on. Never mind the wait.
I've only got to look at 'em. I put 'em in a state.
I frighten all the neighbourhood and the p'lice all call me 'Sir.'
I've conquered my old woman and that wants a bit of doin'.
I'm William the Conqueror.

The other day a riot in our neighbourhood occurred.
The people thought of sending for the p'lice, but on my word,
I got the leaders of the gang. I struck them to the ground.
It took a dozen doctors all the day to pull 'em round.
One big chap was looking for his ear. He wrapped his head
And... sent a thunderbolt to strike me as I said:


From the Crown the other night, the potman to me ran.
Says he, 'We want your help because you're such a plucky man.
A dozen men who are tanners from the tan-yard opposite
Have got into the Crown and they are having such a fight!'
I went and threw 'em out, although the landlord, Mister Brown,
Said, 'Me, I couldn't get a dozen tanners from a crown.'


Performed by Harry Champion (1865-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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