I've come to give you warning, that on a Sunday morning,
You should never send your wife out with a jug.
Do without your tin o' beer, for it's bound to make you queer,
Stick to the dear old water-mug.
(Interuption - 'What-a-mug') 'Who said that?
For drinking is a curse, going without it may be worse,
I've never tasted, so it's hard to tell.
When you want to quench your thirst, you can drink until you burst.
If in your garden you have got a well.

(Interruption - Go to where?)
Hark, I hear sweet voices calling,
They remind me of our coalman shouting, 'Coke.'

There's a root of evil, money and although it may sound funny,
Everybody tries to get the root, alas.
And although I know it's bad, don't I often wish I had,
The cash, that my uncle Simon has.
(Interruption - 'Simon has' - 'What's that?')
In church, I tried to rob, uncle Simon of two-bob,
Our holy friar witnessed my disgrace.
I was young and led astray ah, but ever since that day,
I never could, our old friar, face.

(offstage - 'Fry-'er face?')
That voice I never will forget,
It sounds like a tom-cat in pain.

There's my little nephew, Teddie, yesterday when he got weddy,
Took a girl, for him, that's far him too big to wed.
When I saw the little chap, sitting on her great big lap,
I said, 'Why, she's far to big for Ted.'
(Interruption - 'Big fat 'ead! -) 'I won't have these interuptions! Low person.'
When they walked in the church, well, I fell clean off my perch,
No wonder all the congregation rose.
The scores were there that day, who could soon give her away,
Well, even our old organ, blew an 'ose.

(Interruption - 'Blew 'er nose?)
Sounds to me like a mamma's voice, singing in Paradise.

At our Sunday school excursion, well, we had a great diversion,
Down at Sloshton on the Slosh and Mud, last year.
And to one little creature, I said, 'Come on, with your teacher,
And we'll go on a fishing smack, m'dear.'
(Interruption - 'Smack m'dear?' ) If I find the interrupter, I shall have him
expelled from the congregation.
Of course, there's nothing wrong, so I took the girl along,
We played at 'honey-pots' and 'chivvy-chase'.
But I fear I went astray, when to her I chanced to say,
'Er, may I plant a kiss upon your face?'

(Interruption - On yer face?') 'What yer say? what d'yer say?
I'll jump on yer chest if I come round your way!'

Performed by Tom Woottwell (1865-1941)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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