I used to be mashed on a sweet little girl
At the corner confectioner's shop
I thought I'd propose with my last ginger beer
But I hadn't the 'ginger' to 'pop'
But now I'm in love with a sweet little miss
She serves at a chemist's, does she
I take light refreshments there twice every day
Instead of my dinner and tea
It's a change from the ice-cream and cake
That use dto give me tummy ache.

Chorus: I have a liqueur of caster oil, and squeeze her dainty hand
Then murmur, 'Darling will you be mine?'
And take three penn'orth of neat quinine
I swallow some pills and syrup of squills
Then say in my best manner
'Let's have a penn'orth of Ip-ip-ip-ip-e-cac-u-an-ha.'

I take Phospherine just to steady my nerves
Oh, that girl's driving me off my head
My money won't run to a magnum of fizz,
So I buy Seidlitz powders instead
I then toast my queen in some Antipyrine
Or some other develish dope
And now that the tea-shops won't serve me with cake
I go round and buy cakes of soap
If she promises she will be mine
I'll get oiled on neat brilliantine.


I've lately indulged in a new kind of drink
It's a cocktail invented by me
It has to contain oil of tar and cocaine
But it keeps me as fit as can be
We sit and yum-yum while I mop up Bay Rum
But Oh, she's an awful coquette
She drove me to Gripe-water Yesterday
But I haven't tried Strychnine as yet
If I ever take that I'm quite sure
She won't speak to me any more.

Written and composed by Edgar Bateman & J.P. Long - 1917
Performed by Jay Laurier (1879-1969)
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