The manager asked me before I came on
To make an announcement - it won't take me long,
Of course, I have come on to sing you a song,
But I'll make the announcement first.
Now, don't get excited - just try to keep calm,
I give you my word there's no cause for alarm,

Chorus: But is there a doctor about?
You're a doctor, sir? That's just the thing;
There's no one ill now, but if you don't mind waiting,
There soon will be - I'm going to sing.

It's strange, but my twins were both born the same day
They tell me it does sometimes happen that way.
Now, I'm very fond of those twins, I may say,
So I took them to Southend last year.
One morning, while washing them both in the tide,
I happened to say in my fatherly pride,

Chorus: 'Has anyone here two like these?'
And I held them both up in the sun.
Then some little boy from the beach shouted, 'Hi,
If you're drowning those pups, give us one!'

I once bought some bacon - of good pedigree,
I spoke to it kindly, but it flew at me,
I felt so annoyed that I turned round, you see,
And I said to that bacon, 'You Pig!'
Next morning I found it out in the cow-shed,
So I took it back to the grocer's and said,

Chorus: 'Here, isn't this bacon quite well?'
He said, 'Yes, it's your fancy, perhaps.
That bacon was only just cured last week,'
I said, 'Oh, then it's had a relapse.'

One Sunday in Hyde Park I got up to speak
On Temp'rance - I used to go there every week,
Till things got so rotten I hadn't the cheek
Well, it didn't even keep me in beer.
I sent round the hat, but as true as I'm here
All I got was a match, so I said with a sneer,

Chorus: 'Has anyone here given twice?'
Then a brick hit me right on the thatch,
And some fellow shouted, 'Yes, I've given twice
That's my second lot - I gave the match.'

A lady who suffered with cramp in her knee
Was telling us how she got cured, don't you see,
'When I feel the pain, I go straight home,' said she
'And I rush off to bed like a shot.
Then I get my sister to rub me in bed - '
She paused for a moment - then looked round and said,

Chorus: 'Does anyone here have the cramp?'
I blushed, then I turned rather white.
Said she, 'Ah! you have it , sir?' I said, 'I do -
Will your sister be busy tonight?'

Written and composed by Worton David & Shirley Ilton - 1907
Performed by Wilkie Bard (1874-1944)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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