I do like a girl who is modest and shy
And who thinks it's naughty to spoon.
If a boy holds her hand, she will tremble and cry
If he gives her a squeeze she will swoon.
Should he, perchance ask, for one little kiss
She'll tremble all over and say something like this...
'Oh, Algernon pardon my blushes
I'm not used to this sort of thing.
'Tis weakness, I know, to let myself go
When you've not even bought me the ring.
As a rule I'm not cheap and my kisses I keep
For my parents, my dog and my cat.
'Part from a few Grenadiers and the Welsh Fusiliers
It's the first time I've ever done that.'

I own just a small row of houses... worst luck!
And one tenent, by name Mrs. Jelf.
Is a widow of means, I don't know what she means
And I don't think she quite knows herself.
I call for the rent every month, as a rule
The last time I called, she was distant and cool.
She bade me a chilly, 'Good Morning.'
Not, 'Hello, old bean.' as before.
She said, 'Pray, don't stay... I won't keep you away
From that fair headed 'hussy'... next door.'
She was stern and sedate and I grieve to relate
Didn't ask me to hang up my hat.
So I jolly well went... but she did pay the rent
It's the first time she's ever done that.

While lunching this morning, I fancied a bird
Now don't misconstrue my words, please!
I wanted to pick at a nice tender chick
With pototes and gravy and peas.
I ordered the fowl at a swell restaurant
It came... and I felt... that something was wrong!
The legs looked quite tender and tempting
There was nothing much wrong with the breast.
No fault with the wings... but I don't like those things
Now I'll tell you the part, I like best.
It's the old parsons nose... so I looked where it grows
And, 'Ye Gods'... I was nearly knocked flat.
For they'd skewered it in, with a lady's hair-pin
And it's the first time I've ever seen that.

I once met a beautiful maiden
She hadn't a friend in the world.
She told me that she was attracted to me
And I did like the way her hair curled.
We met pretty often... in fact, every day
And we wondered along in the following way.
On the Monday we went to the pictures
On Tuesday we went to a hall.
On Wednesday we went on a trip into Kent
And on Thursday we went to a ball.
On Friday, oh bliss!... she allowed me to kiss
Her... upon the doorstep of her flat
And on Saturday evening... her husband turned up!
She said, 'It's the first time he's ever done that!'

Performed by George Robey (1869-1954)
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