Good evening friends! of course you all know me
I'm the greatest cricketer you ever did see
When Warner saw me his face did beam
He said, 'I'll put you up for the Australian Team'
They sent a committee down to see me play
When they saw me they began to shout, 'Hooray'
They said, 'In his method of attack there's 'Grace'
He's a wonder with the willow, we can see it in his face.'

To secure my services, without any 'swank'
They put me a 'hundred of the best' in the bank
With a freehold house and acres galore
And they said, 'Let us know when you want some more.'
I never shall forget the day we went away
The first 'Test Match' of the season to play
There's no mistake we did look grand
To play us to the station we'd a big brass band.

We started away on a Sunday afternoon
They engaged us a first class smoking saloon
When the ticket inspector he saw my face
He said, 'Lor lumme, isn't he like 'Grace'
When we got to the town, the excitement was great
Ev'rybody said we'd have a record gate
We lost the toss, in the field we had to stay
At eleven o' clock we started to play.

We got the field set, and before we knew more
The first man cut us to the leg for four
In fielding the ball, I made a mess
I fell against the stand that's reserved for the 'Press'
Our Captain ran over and at me he swore
I'd never heard shorthand language before
I said I was doing the best I could
He shouted out at me, 'You're not a bit of good.'

I picked up the ball and I threw it up the 'green'
It hit a young lady about nineteen
The umpire yelled, as she fell among the clover
'Hit 'im up, my lads, that's the first 'Maiden over'
The other side they were at the wicket all day
They'd be there yet, but the rain stopped play
The next afternoon they declared with a grin
And excitement was great when we went in.

I walked on the pitch with a haughty leer
The crowd on the rails gave a funny kind of cheer
The language they used I never shall forget
I said, 'I'll get my own back when I get set.'
The first ball I got I made them stare
I gave it one swipe_ it went a mile in the air
My feet went sprawling all over the place
One got mixed up with the wicket-keeper's face

The second ball I got was a little bit wide
They said I was out, but I claimed 'off-side'
The umpire said, 'You're out, that's flat'
So I hit him on the 'noss' with the handle of the bat
The result of the match, though we stuck to our guns
We lost by an innings and a thousand runs
Then the fight commenced, and the crowd broke through
I lost my temper and my gold watch too

They pinched our wickets and they pinches our clothes
They punched my ticket and punched my nose
I knocked three down with half a brick
That's the only time I ever did the real 'hat trick'
We all got back home as lively as you choose
Ev'rybody said, 'However did you lose?'
'Defeated, but not disgraced.' I did rave
They said, 'that's got whiskers' I said, 'No, it's had a shave.'

We fell upon each other's necks and wept
The money that was due, the committee they kept
They said, 'We're glad to see you back safe and sound
But for goodness sake, never come again to the ground!'
The moral of the story that I'm singing here tonight
Is, football's not the only game that's finished with a fight
And if any further information you require
Take my word upon it, for, believe me, I'm a liar.
Performed by Mark Sheridan (1867-1918)
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