How very foolish men are when they try to fool their wives,
It's silly to attempt it, for they've watched you all their lives.
They may appear to swallow all you tell them as a fact,
But that's because they're all possessed of some amount of tact.
When e'er a man's been out at night, and fears his wife will scold,
He always has the same excuse, that years ago was old.
His office work had kept him late or else, a friend was ill,
And then goes into details, which he thinks will fit the bill.

Chorus: Just as if she didn't know
She was on to your curves long ago.
You are glad you prepared it,
And think you have squared it,
Now just as if she didn't know.

You took your wife along with you to see the great World's Fair,
And many were the wond'rous things, that caught your eye while there.
Peculiar looking foreigners on every side you'd meet,
You walked along the Midway till you came to Cairo Street.
And there you saw in all it's prime the famous Kouta dance,
Your wife of course was horrified and looked at it askance.
And after that most everyday you'd lose her for an hour
And swear you couldn't find her, though you searched with all your power

Chorus: Just as if she didn't know
She would guess right away where you'd go.
You may say just to blind her,
That you couldn't find her,
Now just as if she didn't know.

You notice when a lady goes to cross a muddy street,
She lifts her dress until she shows, well just about two feet.
Of course it always happens that some men are standing by,
They gaze upon the ground and nudge each other on the sly.
And when at last she gets across, she doesn't drop her skirt,
Although she'd feel offended if you'd say she meant to flirt.
She tries to look so innocent and says with smile so cute
"Now tell me why that man should say, 'Gee whizz, but that's a beaut'"

Chorus: Just as if she didn't know
She knows that she was making a show.
She will say she can't guess,
Why the men watch her dress,
Now just as if she didn't know.

The proper mode in women's dress is changing all the while,
It's terribly expensive to the devotees of style.
If waists are cut much lower someone surely will get hurt,
For all they'll wear at parties is a belt to hold the skirt.
I heard a lady ask a gent one evening at a ball,
If he'd explain some queer remarks he'd made out in the hall.
She said she couldn't understand his mild sarcastic tone,
In saying ladies must be brave they show so much back bone.

Chorus: Just as if she didn't know
Her dress though was cut awfully low.
She can't guess why men gaze,
At her corsage Bouquets,
Now just as if she didn't know.

Written and composed by Walter Ford & John Bratton
Performed by Marie Lloyd (1870-1922)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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