That I've come here to moralize or worry, pray don't think,
I've simply come to talk about that awful thing called drink.
For when a man has had enough, I think that he should stop;
By that, of course, I mean when he's full up to the top.

Chorus: Kind friends, kind friends! don't you think it right,
That all the public houses should be clos'd at nine o'clock at night?
If I were a member of Parliament, I'd save the lives of men,
For I'd close the pubs at nine o'clock at night,
And I'd open them again at ten.

I once drank such a quantity of that stuff they call beer,
That everything I gazed upon quite double did appear.
I then had two more glasses of that very self-same kind,
And then I couldn't see at all for I, kind friends, was blind!


I'd like to hang the publican or brand him with disgrace,
If he sold lemonade when he'd got beer inside his place.
Kind friends, I do implore you all teetotalers to be,
Don't touch the drink, oh, touch it not! then there'll be more for me.


Written by Sam Mayo & George Davenport - Composed by Ted Cowan - 1902
Performed by Sam Mayo (1875-1938)
From Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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