A little good advice tonight I'll give you
Say you are abroad and get into a fight
If the natives their big knives are using
If you do a guy, well, you're all right
But if they are fighting with their raw 'uns
At that kind of sport John Bull is not behind
And to take your part against foreign ruffians
As an Englishman, no doubt you'll find.

Chorus: A little thing like this is very handy
And the chance you should not miss
For a friend in need, and a friend indeed
You'll find a little thing like this.

Advice to married men, keep your ears open
Quietude at night I guarantee you all
When you have been wed about a twelvemonth
And a stranger comes to yell and squall
If the baby-fiend at night should wake you
Cursing , in your shirt, you waltz around the floor
But I have a cure for midnight squalling
If your kid awakes you may be sure
(Produces baby's feeding bottle)


Now, ladies who are plain, with faces freckled
Or with blackened eyes, or noses very red
If you wish to mash, and look off colour
P'r'aps been up all night and feel half dead
Nature has provided you a comfort
Taken now and then your faces look a treat
Yes, to finish off your ev'ning toilet
Just before you go your beau to meet
(Produces lady's powder-puff)


If ever you are drunk and get into mischief
Quarrel with your pals and make a jolly row
'Move on, ' says a p'liceman, but poor chap, you
Find your legs won't move on anyhow
'I shall run you in, then,' says the p'liceman
Grabs you by the arms and hurries you along
But if you don't want to be locked up, boys
Just take my advice - I'm not far wrong.
(Produces a coin)

Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1894
Performed by Alf Chester (d. 1925)
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