I thought it best to take a wife, to try and keep me straight
The one I've got is just the sort of woman, you'll agree
When I went on my honeymoon, I'm glad she came with me
We went to Brighton for a spin,
We saw the sea and both went in.
Chorus: And Liza had hold of my hand, Liza had hold of my hand
We both started flopping about in the sea
The girls on the shore all kept staring at me
The wife turned my trousers right up, you must know
To my ankles - it really was grand
I wanted to roll them right past my knees
But Liza had hold of my hand.
The wife she does look after me, it's just as well to know
She says I'm quite a reckless chap, if out I chance to go
When we came from our honeymoon, she said it's only right
That I should go to church with her, and so, last Sunday night
She dressed me up, just like a toff,
And then to church we both went off
Chorus: And Liza had hold of my hand, Liza had hold of my hand
We both sat together, as close as could be
And some chap came round, with a plate, do you see
He held it right under my nose, for a while
And the idea, of course, I thought grand
I got one-and-six - and might have got more
But Liza had hold of my hand.
I'm very fond of animals, and to the wife, said,'Here
Will you take me round to the Zoo?' Said she, 'All right my dear.'
She took me there just as I am, and as we walked around
We saw the birds and lions, and some monkeys then we found
One big one, sitting in a cage,
Saw me and flew into a rage.
Chorus: And Liza had hold of my hand, Liza had hold of my hand
We stood, for a while, near a big chimpanzee
He smiled and he started to throw nuts at me
The wife said, 'He seems to know you, John dear.'
Then the keeper came up, understand
He wanted to push me back into the cage
But Liza had hold of my hand.
Last week I got vexed with the wife, and said, 'I'll stand no more.'
I put my hat on, pinched a bob, went out and slammed the door
I stood outside the 'White Horse' and was bent on acting mad
Till my wife touched me on the back, and said, 'You naughty lad
If you've come out on pleasure bent,
You'll come with me.' So in we went.
Chorus: And Liza had hold of my hand, Liza had hold of my hand
She called for the boss, there, for two gills of rum
While I, in a corner , sat twiddling my thumb
A lady who sat there, kept winking at me
And the feeling, my word, it was grand
Her husband looked vexed, but he smiled when he saw
That Liza had hold of my hand.
I took the missus out, one day, or rather she took me
We walked a bit, but halted, when a crowd we chanced to see
We stood there, gazing, for a while, then very boldly I
Asked one man if he'd explain the reason folks stood by
He said, 'You seem quite anxious, so,
I'll just tell you, and then you'll know.
Chorus: And Liza had hold of my hand, Liza had hold of my hand
He said, 'There's a three-p'ny bit dropped down a drain
And the owner is anxious to get it again
He wants someone thin, with no prospect in life
To slip down the drain, understand.'
I felt a bit queer, when the crowd looked at me
But Liza had hold of my hand.
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