Now logic's a very remarkable fact,
It's got scientific authority
And folks who ignore it deserve to be smacked
Thank goodness they're in the minority
Now people who run like a bull at a gate
Are cranks beyond human endurance
There's nothing like logic to clinch a debate
For instance, take germs and insurance.

Refrain: Now doctors say everything's poisoned
That you eat, drink or breathe, any time
So in swallowing germs you commit suicide
And to poison yourself is a crime
First you take your own life, then insure it
With a company of logical men
But you don't get the 'brass' till you're under the grass
And it's no earthly use to you then.

Now if you call a waiter a 'rotten potater'
The insults a never forgotten one
But if he looks on, a spectator is John
And a specked tater must be a rotten one
Now Lady Godiva in Coventry once
(I quite forget what was the matter)
She rode through the town simply wearing a frown
And only one fellow looked at her

Refrain: Well, what were the other men doing?
They must have been blind or asleep
And did she believe, if you dressed up like Eve
That no man would venture to peep
Well, you can't walk about with your eyes shut
And though Peeping Tom's been defamed
If he lost his eyesight he was logically right
And he's more to be pitied then blamed.

Now trying to see a man fifty miles off
The sight of your eyes it beguiles away
And yet you can look at the man in the Moon
Who's hundreds of millions of miles away
Again, if the Sun's bigger far than the earth
How is it it don't keep the rain off
And now for a physical logical fact
To blow the cobwebs of my brain off.

Now here's my right hand, to begin with
And here's my left hand opposite
If I lose my left hand, my right hand is left
'Cos the only hand left is my right
So I must be left with my right hand
If I of my left am bereft
So it's logically right, if I'm left with my right
I can write with my right, 'cos it's left.
Performed by Ben Albert (1876-1925)
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