I'll tell a tale of a fellow named Muggins,
Tho' you may fancy the story's not true;
He was a bachelor and lived in the country,
Of London's great city he'd ne'er had a view.
One morn, at breakfast, while reading the paper,
( breaches of promise, he loved to espy),
He saw an advertisement: 'Five hundred sov'reigns'
And underneath that, these strange words met his eye,

Chorus: 'Lost, stolen or strayed, a beautiful blue-eyed maid,
Blonde hair and tiny feet, last seen in Regent Street.
Dressed up like a queen, answers to the name of Maud,
Anyone taking her home to her Ma, Will get the above reward.'

Muggins had read of the knights in the old days,
Who wrapped up in armour, of love went in quest;
He packed up his bag and for London he started,
With plenty of money and dressed in his best.
He saw lots of girls in the street that was mentioned,
They all had blue eyes and straw coloured hair,
But one in particular made an impression,
Thought Muggins, 'Now this is the lady, I'll swear, who's...


He said, 'Are you Maud?' and she answered, Yes, Bertie!'
And, at her request, he stood bottles of cham.,
She borrowed ten pounds to get home to her mater,
When he had explained to the sweet little lamb.
As soon as she'd gone, he pulled out the newspaper,
His heart palpitating with various thrills.
Then found the advert was a 'spoof' and was simply,
To draw your attention to somebody's pills.


Performed by Millie Lindon (b. 1877)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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