I'm the 'man at the door' of a nobby hotel
And the centre of great admiration
'Twas my dignified face and my beauty of form
That procured me this grand situation
I'm supposed to know everything when I am asked
What's the best shop to buy a new hat in?
And in every language to tell 'em the time
From gum Arabic down to thieves' Latin.

Chorus: The 'man at the door', the 'man at the door',
I bow to the rich and I frown at the poor
I'm the liveried swell that you all know so well
At the door of the Swollen-head Palace Hotel.

When I strut up and down in the front of our show
I kid people I've been in the Army
And my frown is quite awful, though when there's a row
I must say that I'm awfully qualmy
Though I'm called to chuck people, I funk at the job
When they're not rendered weak by the tipple
If it comes to a fight I must say I prefer
To chuck out a blind man or a cripple.


Oh, the questions folks ask me, they drive me near mad
And in puzzling me people revel
And they actually ask me what turning to take
When I tell them to go to the devil
And them sporting gents, too, fairly give me the hump
When they call me an ignorant flunkey
One of 'em said he lately laid me on a race
I said, 'What?' he said, 'Yes - laid a monkey!'

Written and composed by E.W. Rogers - 1896
Performed by James Fawn (1850-1923)
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