It's a terrible thing for a man to awake
And discover himself a mistake, a mistake
My case it is such, for I solomnly state
That after forty, I feel I'm a victim to fate
The first thing I did was my parents to vex
They had hoped I might prove of the opposite sex
Had I been but a girl, 'twould have filled 'em with joy
But my luck was against me, I turned out a boy.

Chorus: 'Tis a terrible thing for a man to awake
And at once to discover himself a mistake.

I ought to have known things were wrong from the first
To have made up my mind for the worst, for the worst
But, strangely regardless all of I had done
I looked on this error as glorious fun
My brother's old clothes they compelled me to wear
Three sizes too small which made rude people stare
My best Sunday suit was a marvel to see
It wouldn't fit Bill, but they made it fit me.

Chorus:

My friends thought 'twas time that I settled in life
So I made up my mind to look out for a wife
I wooed a fair widow I met at a ball
And I lived to regret that I met her at all
She consented to trip to the altar once more
Notwithstanding the fact she'd been married before
Her husband, a sailor, she'd left in the lurch
Claimed his runaway spouse as we entered the church.

Chorus:

Said Father, one day, 'You must make up your mind
Some sort of genteel occupation to find.'
I thought he'd have died of vexation and rage
When I told him I wanted to go on the stage
I made my appearance as Hamlet the Dane
They said he was mad, I was more than insane
The house wasn't full, in the pit there were six
You'd have thought there were more when we counted the bricks.

Chorus: