I'm a funny sort of Johnny, I philosophize a lot
And when I think - I think a lot of thoughts
And when my brain gets addled, as the best brains always do
I go and have a 'pick-me-up' at 'Shorts'
But nothing really ruffles me, I don't see why it should
Whatever comes along I never cry
The only thing that worries me at all is simply this
I cannot keep my eye-glass in my eye.

I once was nearly married to a girl from U.S.A.
Whose dad had made his millions out of pork
She really got quite fond of me, and one fine Summer's day
Suggested that we take a beastly walk
She asked me, 'Could I love her?' I said I didn't know
That later on perhaps I'd have a try
That really at the moment I'd as much as I could do
To keep my beastly eye-glass in my eye.

I hear that folks are starving, what a rotten thing to do
With heaps of first class restaurants about
I know a lot of places where for half-a-quid or so
You can get a really ripping good blow-out
They say folks have no money and they all are stoney broke
That 'Help the un-employed' now is the cry
I only wish the bounders had the work that I have got
To keep my beastly eye-glass in my eye.

I once got very angry with a policeman, don't you know
He actually wanted me to fight
A burley-looking ruffian had got him on the ground
And was knocking him about with all his might
The policeman cried, 'Hi, hi! you there_ Help, help, he's killing me.'
'Help you?' I said, 'I really can't see why
I don't know how you think that I can possibly fight
And keep my beastly eye-glass in my eye.'

I'm feeling awfully seedy, I'm so tired, don't you know
I really think my nerves are giving way
When I get up in the morning, it's an awful fag to dress
It really knocks me up for half a day
My doctor tells me, if I do not buck up soon
I'll probably get worse, or p'r'aps I'll die
That doesn't worry me at all, my lawyer has arranged
That I'm buried with my eye-glass in my eye.
Performed by Tom Clare (1876-1946)
Performed by Harold Montague (b. 1874)
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