I ain't a cove wot envies uvver people wot I know
But till lately I was 'appy as could be
Wiv my little bit o' gardin in the neighbourhood o' Bow
'Cause it allus was a great delight to me
But lately I got chummy wiv the bloke wot lives next door
And 'e keeps 'is bit o' land so weary fine
That nah I'm discontented 'cause me gardin looks so poor
Why, 'is blessed worms are twice the size of mine.

Chorus: And 'e's got the finest poultry - such a lovely breed of birds
'E goes in for 'atching bantams and they're giants, pon my word
They're big as any ostrich - one's a buck and one's a doe
And they fairly shales the place dahn when they boaf begin to crow.

The only thing I seems to grow is pussy cats and weeds
Though a lovely crop of brickbats I can get
And I feel a bit dis'eartened 'cause I've sowed canary seed
But there's no canaries coming up as yet
But in my neighbour's gardin 'e's bin bedding out all day
A mushroom up against a sunny wall
And when it starts a-growing I shall 'ear the people say
'Oh isn't that the top of Albert 'all?

Chorus: And 'e's got the finest pear-tree, It'll play the very deuce
If a pear drops on my chivvy, I'll get drowned in the juice
But the flavour must be lovely - they're a splendid eating pear
Oh they're alright when yer gets 'em, but there's never any there.

The only time I got a thing to sprout
It was owing to them sudding April showers
The missis leaves her bonnet in the gardin while she's out
And we gets a bed of artificial flowers
But in that next door gardin there's some catapillars found
And they're just as big as bolsters, werry near
Well, one climbed up 'is apple tree and nearly broke it down
And 'e takes the prize for earwigs every year.

Chorus: And 'e's got some new potatoes, wiv a hose all day 'e's toiled
And 'e uses scaldin water, so they'll grow already boiled
And 'e's' planted some sultanas, wiv some currants wrapped in dough
'E'll be pickin 'Christmas Pudding' when they once begin to grow.
Performed by Gus Elen (1862-1940)
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