I'm wot yer'd call a quiet chap, an' rows I can't abear,
I 'ates a cove as can't do nothin' else but cuss an' swear.
I allus takes things easy, an' I never minds a joke,
I likes my glass of whiskey, an' I'm partial to a smoke.
Now at the 'Pig an' Whistle', which was once my fav'rite pub,
Bill Jones 'as gone an' started wot 'e calls a social club.
I did pop in for 'alf an hour a week or two ago,
They all was very social till they'd 'ad a glass or so.

Chorus: An' then the langwidge! I never 'eard the like!
It was that steep, it made me creep, I fairly copped the spike!
I didn't want ter quarrel, cos I ain't too bloomin' moral!
But I 'ad ter clear! I couldn't stick the langwidgel

'Tain't often as I've found a job I wanted for ter shirk,
But tryin' to improve that club was wuss than navvies' work!
'Owever I decided as I'd 'ave another go,
So me an' Bill arranged a chat on politics, yer know.
I got a pal of mine as talks on Sundays in 'Ide Park,
Ter come an' throw a little light where hev'rythink was dark,
But when 'e let, off wot 'e called, some parli'ment'ry wit,
An' they 'got back' at 'im, I thought I should 'ave 'ad a fit.


I sez ter Bill, 'Look 'ere, old man, you've got some common-sense,
I 'opes at wot I'm goin' ter say yer won't take no offence,
This ain't the 'Junior Karltin' Club, I'm very well aware;
But still I fink we ought ter fine our members when they swear."
Now Bill's a man of business, an' a 'int 'e'll allus take,
Partickler when 'e sees 'is way a bit of oof ter make;
'A shillin' fine,' sez 'e, 'if I 'ears wuss than 'Oh! Great Scot!'
Then ev'ry bloomin' member 'as a bob's worth on the spot!


Written and composed by Albert Chevalier & Bond Andrews - 1895
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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