For thirty years in business I had worked without cessation
I made about a thousand pounds, then thought I'd settle down
In private life, so like a mug, at my wife's instigation
I settled in a village just on fifty miles from Town
It's on the 'Slow and Dirty' line, and only smallish sized yet
It boast of forty residents - some humble - some tip-top
It has a name I can't pronounce, it's barely civilised yet
You'll understand that when I say there's no pawnbroker's shop.

Chorus: The village - our village - a tasty little spot
The home of sweet simplicity where they no trains have got
Where they have no Music Halls, no signs of three brass balls
The village on the 'Slow and Dirty' line.

Down there the game of honeypots is still an institution
To light a fire they use a pair of bellows to this day
Their very newest topic now is Lefroy's execution
Their latest comic songs are 'Not for Joe' and 'Old Dog Tray'
They have no pavements in the place, although they'd come in handy
Because the roads are just like rocks - it's everywhere the same
And through this all the folk down there are knock-kneed or else bandy
While as for me, the first time I walked on them I went lame.


The shops are mixed for there we buy our lamp oil at the bakers
The public house supplies us with our soda, starch and chalk
We get our bird-seed and our bloaters from the undertakers
The parson sells tobacco, and the farrier deals in pork
Our p'liceman is the postman - also keeps the churchyard tidy
He's likewise beadle, verger, vestry clerk and sexton, you
Can't think of all his offices - he sweeps the road each Friday
Whilst (On his own) he mends our boots, and takes in mangling too.


Written and composed by Wal Pink & Frank Aylmer - 1889
Performed by The Two Bobs
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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