With a little lady once as happy as a king
I went to a pawn shop, meant to buy the ring
I thought that an umberella ring would do the job
But she wanted diamonds valued at a bob.
I said: 'Do you take me for a millionaire?
Then puffed away at a fat cigar I'd just won at a fair.

Chorus: Then out went the gas. She said: 'Stop your foolery.
I want to pick a little bit of jewellery.'
When she picked a wedding ring, as I was short of cash,
I puffed away at my cigar and out went the gas.

My old girl's a marvel if I'm ever very queer;
Makes for me a poultice, dear oh dear oh dear!
It's been known to lift me up and draw me out of bed,
Raisin' me a blister bigger than me head.
One night she made one so very hot
To shove upon your 'umble that as quick as any shot,

Chorus: Out went the gas. She said: 'Are you ready John?
Pull down the sheet. Let me put the poultice on.'
But she made a bloomer and the 'ot and sticky mess
Went wallop on me coconut and out went the gas.

Sandy Macinvore one day went up in a balloon.
Took with 'im 'is bagpipes, meant to play a tune.
All the people in the moon they 'eard the funny groans;
Started pelting Sandy with a lot of stones.
He fell back in the bottom of the car.
His balloon went wallop on the corner of a star.

Chorus: An' out went the gas. Soon he was a-sailing
Down through the air. His kilt 'ad got a gale in.
When 'is kilt was open wide every little lass
Said what a funny parachute and out went the gas.

Once we had a donkey and we kept it in the yard.
One day in the winter it was snowing hard.
Mother said: 'The donkey must be chilly in the storm.
Bring him in the parlour. Let him have a warm.'
'E came in and 'e bit me mother's ear,
Took it for a cabbage leaf and kicked the chandelier.

Chorus: And out went the gas. When it was alight again
At mother's ear the donkey 'ad a bite again.
Mother went to get a fork to stick it in the ass,
But stuck it into father's head and out went the gas.

Performed by Harry Champion (1866-1942)
From monologues.co.uk Music Hall Lyrics Collection
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