I've struggled hard for years and years to learn the pedigree
Of noble race, you see, I mean our family
Of blue blood runing in our veins I haven't found a trace
There's no mistake about it we're a very ancient race.

'Cos Father's Father's father he was married to a girl
Who was housemaid in the Ark with Mr Noah
She got married to a gentleman that kept a fried fish shop
But he lost his life through going out to war
And when he came back he married and his son got married too
They met Mother's mother bathing in the sea
Their Uncle's son was father's father he met mother, they got wed
So my Uncle's my grandfather and I'm me. Some family!

I bought a tuppeny sandwich at a railway station once
And I took it home with me, to trace its pedigree
Of manna from the widerness I found they'd made the bread
The meat was fatted calf on which the prodigal was fed.

Rip Van Winkle had it with him just before he went to sleep
He grew hungry so to eat the thing he tried
But the struggle made him so tired he slept for twenty years
And when he woke up it still lay by his side
But a bit of meat escaped from it and ran into the sea
And swum upon the tide for many miles
Till it stuck upon some sand and turned itself into a rock
Now they call that bit of meat the Sandwich Isles. Some sandwich!

You all know what a cheese is, well, there's one that lives with us
Dogs delight to bark and bite, our cheese it loves a fight
We keep it in the garden chained up to an old oak tree
I've traced all it's ancestors and I've got its pedigree

That cheese was born three hundred thousand million years ago
And it was a cheese. It wasn't half a cheese
It was given to King Solomon. He gave it to his son
But he buried it 'cause he couldn't stand the breeze
It was discoverd centuries after by King what's-is-name the Eighth
Who took a sniff then sent it to the Zoo
The Duke of Wellington borrowed it and took it out to war
And that's how he won the Battle of Waterloo. Some cheese!
Written by Harry Castling
Performed by Harry Weldon (1881-1930)
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