In the year of sixteen fifteen ten, I was only a bit of a youngster then
And when I was scarcely six months old they made me into a pirate bold
Each day I grew from bad to worse I strangled the cat and choped me nurse
And through the dreadful deeds I did they gave me the name of Captain Kidd

Spoken: And now I'm a pirate, a buccaneer bold
Who sails o'er the raging Main
You can buy me photograph so I am told
Tuppence coloured, or penny plain
If you knew the dreadful deeds I've done
The blood in your veins would freeze
And your hair and your whiskers 'd stand on end
And you'd have wibberly wobberly knees
Shall I tell you the tale of my pirate craft?
How we captured the 'Sloppy Sal'?
Would you like to know how I murdered the crew?
You wouldn't? All right then, you shall
'Twas a stinking a-steaming hot night on the 10th July
We were anchored just off Barking Creek
When the steward came up and said, 'Let's sail to Kew,
We can get there in less than a week.'
So I heaved up the anchor and spliced the jaboom
But all of a sudden I found
That the top of the vessel was too near the sky
And the bottom too close to the ground
So I ran up the black flag, the skull and cross-bones
And two tons of dynamite got
Packed it all round the vestuel, set fire to the fuse
And we were off like a shot
Well, in less than a month we reached Battersea Park
When the cabin-boy popped up and said
'I'm either mistaken, sir, or else I am wrong
But there's a ship following us, sir, ahead.'
So I cleared all the decks for action
And then rolled me sleeves up and then had a drink
And I dived overboard with my mouth full of sword
And I swam fifty miles, I don't think
'Surrender,' I cried, 'I'll be very annoyed with everyone here if you don't
Now you'll either surrender or else you'll give in.'
And then shouted with one voice, 'We won't.'
So me men dashed aboard with bayonette and sword
We hacked at the foe might and main
And after we'd killed everybody I roared,
'Go back men and kill them again.'
Written by Lauder
Performed by Little Tich (1867-1928)
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