I fear that-er-something has happend to me
And that-er-ed - no, scattered my thoughts
The genuine reason, I fancy, must be
That I'm out of salts, I mean sorts
I shouldn't be here if I hadn't have come
For Perkins, you all know his name
He's the Government shirk - no, a Government clerk
But no matter, they both mean the same.

Chorus: And he goes to the office down - you know the street
That road with the court at the end
It's the first to the right when you stand opposite
The House of Lord who-is-it's friend
And Perkin's boss - well, I ne'er came across
Such a boss as the boss of the place
By boss I may hint, that I don't mean a squint
That's as plain as the nose on your face.

We all have our pots - I beg pardon, our pets
That seem to suit us 'to a T'
I once had an adder - no,no I forget
I had her until she had me
She had to hand over the money she took
Whenever I happened to call
But she booked every cook - er - she cooked every book
And my money - she bunked with it all!

Chorus: I employed a defective - detective, I mean
A daddy at difficult jobs
And he spotted the 'cat' by her what-is-it hat
And her 'New Woman's' thingamybobs
But she swallowed a tyke - I mean collared a bike
And scooted clean out of the place
And told him to go to the - er - beg pardon, though
It's as plain as - er - the fose on yer nace.

The greatest of poets the world ever saw
Was William Shake - something I ween
Just look at that play that our players all play
Where Birth mark - no, Denmark's the scene
There's one thrilling part that I quite know by heart
A part that nobody should miss
Where Cutlet, or Porklet, or - er - Hamlet comes on
And sililoquoses like this -

Chorus: To am or to was - no, that won't do, becos
It isn't dramatic'lly right
To is or to not - er - well, that is the - what?
Oh, that is the thing-amy-tight
Er - whether 'tis butter - no, better to suffer
The slings and the arrows and bows
I'm mixed, I confess - but my meaning I guess
Is as plain as your - nace on your fose.

I've never touched Polly -I mean Politics
When I with the fellows have dined
My favorite fare is - a pair of pork chops
With a bankard of titter behind
But whether the egg or the hen was first
Was lately submitted to me
Said I, 'By the by - well, the proper reply
Is as simple as catching a - bee.'

Chorus: slowly 'If the egg hadn't been number one on the scene
There couldn't have been any chicks
Yet a chicken I beg to say must lay the egg
Like a bricklayer has to lay bricks
So therefore the bricks, and the eggs, and the chicks
Are the hods and the hens of the case
Oh! God save the Queen - well, you know what I mean
It's as plain as the - trump on the ace.
Written and composed by Charles Osborne - 1898
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