The art of love it fairly takes the biscuit
Unless you've 'ad tuition - so ter speak
I've allus 'ad ter chance my luck - ter risk it
An' then been told 'It's like your bloomin' cheek'
I've talked to one an' chatted wiv another
But when I've felt a flutterin' at the 'eart
They've either said they loved me like a brother
Or else they thought as we should part.

Chorus: I'd be as right as ninepence if I'd once been shown
I've allus 'ad ter work the matter aht thinkin' alone
Wot I want is someone near me
When I've got the 'ump - to cheer me
Somebody to love and 'dear' me
And all my own.

I've blewed a lot of oof on Sunday outin's
I've done the thing in style - wiv moke and shay
I've tried to spoon and 'ad no end of cloutin's
But stood 'em in a gentlemanly way
I've known a gal to threaten wot she would do
If she could only get her maulers free
I've acted as I thought a feller should do
An' never clumped the gal for clumpin' me.


I don't suppose as I shall ever marry
An' just because I 'ain't so very smart
At sayin' pretty fings ter Kate or Corrie
I wish some pal 'ud show me 'ow to start
I'm alright till I 'as to do the kissin'
That queers me to the best of my belief
I ain't got the knack - it's that that's missin'
At kissin' time I allus comes to grief.

Written and composed by Albert Chevalier & Julian Edwards - 1910
Performed by Albert Chevalier (1861-1923)
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