Have you noticed at a function,
When a singer's asked to sing,
That the folk without compunction
Start discussing everything.
Through the crowd the artiste crushes
There's not space to stand a broom!
Then he clears his throat and blushes
And sometimes he'll clear the room!
And then in a dulcet tone he
Sings a song by Mascheroni.

Refrain: Then the conversation starts as well.
Ev'ryone has a tale to tell.
It's ‘How de do, dear? Thought ‘twas you dear!
There goes my MD. He's told me to go away
For my health – How long ought I to stay?'
Then the singer's voice will say ‘For all eternity!'

Some sweet maid, with desperation,
Through the throng next threads her way,
Draws her train up at the station –
At the platform I should say!
With her music comes her swell beau;
Still the mob crush round the stage,
She digs someone with her elbow
Ev'ry time she turns a page.
In her satin and her baubles,
Cowen's ‘Better Land' she warbles.

Refrain: Then the conversation starts as well,
Ev'ryone has a tale to tell.
It's ‘I've got a spasm, when I has ‘em Oh! I feel so riled!'
‘Ah! I'm sorry, don't you know! Is it your finger or your toe?'
The singer whispers low,
‘Not there – not there, my child!'

Next a singer from the ‘Guildhall',
(A musician, understand)
Fights a passage through the filled hall,
Till he nears the E-rard Grand,
With a smile of plaintive pleading,
And a most impressive frown,
From his copy he starts reading,
Though he holds it upside down!
Round the room his eyes go rolling,
As he sadly chants ‘Tom Bowling'.

Refrain: Then the conversation starts as well.
Ev'ryone has a tale to tell.
It's ‘My poor Will, dear, caught a chill, dear,
How the darling coughed! So I've prescribed for him you see,
Put some soot and senna in his tea!'
Then the singer's voice makes free: ‘And now he's gone aloft.'

Then a tenor pale and chalky,
Sings ‘Oh! I'm a sailor bold!'
But his empty hands look gawky,
For he's got no song to hold!
So he snatches up a wine list,
As he's feeling out of sorts,
Singing, ‘Nancy is madeira lass,
I love medocs and ports!'
In a manner free and frisky
Next he sings ‘The Bay of Biscay!'

Refrain: Then the conversation starts as well.
Ev'ryone has a tale to tell.
It's Auntie Julia felt peculiar,
Fainted in a train! So we helped her from the car,
Carried Auntie to the Station Bar.'
Then the tenor sings afar – ‘There she lay all that day,
In the way of Whisky o!'
Written and Performed by Edward Kent
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