Six Months Hard - Herbert Campbell

SIX MONTHS HARD

Last week whilst passing Bow Street I had nothing much to do
I went into the Police Court just to hear case or two
The air was redolent with crime or something I suppose
But anyhow I sleepy grew and went off into a doze
I dreamt that I was the magistrate and then from near and far
Came men I seemed to know quite well as prisoners at the bar
I shouted loud 'revenge is mine' I knew one day would come
And I vowed to give the lot of them what Paddy gave the drum.

Chorus: Then up they all came smiling, some with a rorty leer
Down I knocked 'em one by one, just like an auctioneer
Some of 'em got a bit cheeky, but 0h I was on my guard
When they'd had their say, I put 'em away for six months hard.

The first charge was a villain with a well fed kind of face
A government contracting chap a swindler rank and base
His twisting swords and bad tinned meat unblushingly he sold
But what cared he for soldiers lives so long as he got gold
I stripped him of his money soon and gave it to the poor
And as the jailer buckled him and led him to the door
I ordered him to sleep upon his bayonets for a treat
And fed him once a day upon his rotten potted meat.

Chorus:

Next came Lord Randolf Churchill in a most decided wax
Bradlaugh affirmed he caught him stealing Mr Gladstone's axe
The Brothers Gatti next were charged by two facetious fops
For not supplying microscopes to see their mutton chops
Sir Charles Warren next was charged, no answer could he give
For selling dogs to sausage shops to show men how to live
And then the Duke of Marlborough's case was next one to be heard
He was charged with sneaking feathers from the Cockioly Bird

Chorus:

Poor Henry Irvine came up charged with all his brilliant staff
For turning Exeter Hall into a great big penny gaff
Next came in C.H.Spurgeon in a most excited state
He was charged with prigging sixpences whilst handing round the plate
And then the Prince of Wales was charged with being a good sort
And everyone yelled out 'Hear, Hear' till the roof went off the court
Of course it let the wind in and I woke up with a sneeze
In time to hear the Usher say, 'Outside the court gents please.

Performed by Herbert Campbell (1844-1904)