I'm a chap who is very observant,
There's little that passes by me.
A very slight hint I can seize on at once,
'Cos I'm great at perception, you see.
Now for years I was courting a damsel,
Who ardently loved me I know,
But lately I fancy her feelings have changed,
Well I'll just tell you why I think so.

Chorus: Monday, I waited three hours;
Tuesday, she didn't turn up;
Wednesday, I called and she slammed the door hard;
Thursday, her bulldog bit me in the yard;
Friday, her two brothers thrashed me;
And she walked away with some toff;
And I've heard she's got married to somebody else,
Now I'm certain that girl's cooling off.

Of course I'm a bit of a sportsman,
In fact I'm a judge of a horse.
Once at the Derby a friend said to me,
'My boy, the best thing on the course
Is, 'Pride of the Turf' it's a dead cert.'
So I thought 'Well I'll risk all I've saved.'
But I think that it wasn't in very good form,
Well, look at the way it behaved.

Chorus: First it began to run backwards,
And only use three of its legs,
I think 'twas consumptive, it had such a cough,
And a few minutes later, the jockey fell off.
Then it leaned for a snooze on the railings,
Till they coaxed it along with some corn.
Then some-one cried, 'Pride of the Turf's just dropped dead'
Now I'm certain it wasn't in form.

Now houses are awfully funny,
And letting them's curious too.
If you let them of course they won't fall to decay,
And if you don't let them they do.
Of course I don't own any houses,
And speaking of that by the way.
Our landlord's told us, if we don't settle up,
That he'll call till we do, every day.

Chorus: Well Monday, he called before breakfast,
Tuesday, we barred all the doors,
Wednesday, they cut off the water and gas,
Stuffed up the chimneys and smashed all the glass.
Thursday, they took half the roof off,
But the bailiffs we wouldn't receive,
But they got in to-day and they've sold up the place,
So somehow I think we shall leave.
Written and composed by Clifford Grey & James A. Lowe - 1911
Performed by Clifford Grey (1887-1941)
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