You must have heard plenty of tales
There's the tale of the old iron pot
You've heard lots of tales that are quite fit to print
And plenty of tales that are not
I've heard of the tales that you young fellows tell
When you're out with a nice bit of skirt
But I know a tale that will beat all the lot
That's the tail of my husband's shirt.

You men are such devils, you are
You make a poor girl feel so shy
One afternoon when I was out for a walk
A fellow gave me the glad eye
He handed me something and said, 'Excuse me,
That's your handkerchief dropped in the dirt.'
I said, 'That's not my hanky, but thanks all the same
It's the tail of my husband's shirt.

Now I'm very fond of a book
I went to buy one yesterday
My husband came with me and while we were out
He behaved in a curious way
He tore his best pants on a newpaper stall
And the newspaper girl, saucy flirt
Said, 'There's a new tale coming out.' I said 'Yes
It's the tail of my husband's shirt

I worked at a draper's shop once
And while I was sleeping one night
I dreamt I was back in the drapery store
And saying in manner polite
'Yes madam, and how many yards will you take?'
But my husband said, 'Steady on Gert,
The lady wants two yards of calico, dear
Not the tail of your husband's shirt.'

The people next door keep a dog
That dog is a devil for fun
My husband and him had an argument once
And I'm not quite certain who won
And now there's no prospect of making them friends
There's no consolation for Bert
There's no chair he can sit on without feeling pain
And no tails to my husband's shirt.

We're all getting sick of the war
And when it is over and done
You bet we shall all have the time of our lives
For I don't wish to miss any fun
I'll put on the very best clothes I possess
And I'll buy a red, white and blue skirt
And I'll hang out a couple of Union Jacks
And the tail of my husband's shirt.

Performed by Ernie Mayne (1871-1937)
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